Him...

So I can't lie I have been avoiding the subject of writing about Sarah's birth father. I am not going to reveal his name but I will simply refer to him as Him. I am also not going to go into great detail about our history because it personally something I am still trying to come to terms with and handle. I will say that If there is one thing I never lacked it was love for him. He was my best friend and the only man I ever gave myself to...
Him and I met in 8th grade. We built an instant friendship and dated a lot off and on for 4 years. People were always telling me rumors about him. They would tell me he was cheating on me or that he was partying or that he was doing drugs... but I never believed them. Around me he I know now that he pretended to be what I wanted him to be. He knew me, he knew my weaknesses and my strengths. He knew that because of my love for him I would do anything for him.
I remember when I told him I was pregnant we were in my car and I remember being surprised at his reaction because he told me he was "kind of happy" He talked about being with me forever and that now nothing could get between him and his family (me and Sarah) but I see now that it was all a show. The proof of things that he was doing began coming out, and him and I began to argue a lot. One day I pushed him too far and he called everything off. The wedding, the relationship... everything. I was devastated. I hit a deep depression almost instantly and I knew I needed to take a break and get my head back together, so I left to go visit my sister in Washington.
When I arrived at her home I was dark, dramatic, and hurt. I found out though that up there I could graduate early and not have to deal with the online classes that I was at the time failing. So I stayed. My sister took me in and just loved me, she never tried to force me one way or another she just loved me. I remember after one night of having yet another fight on the phone with Him I couldn't stand being alone anymore. I went to my sisters room and she came out into the living room and sat on the couch with me and just held me as cried. I didn't know what to do. He wasn't staying around and I didn't want my precious baby to have to grow up with only know 1 parent who worked 40 hours a week and was too tired to ever do anything with her.
So. at Thanksgiving 2009 Him and I decided together that we were going to place her for adoption. After that decision I didn't hear from him for weeks. I fought (and still fight) with feelings of how he could just abandon us. I tried to involve him with what was happening at the doctor appointments and I asked Him to review profiles of people I thought might be good for our little girl but it was of no good. He would ignore my phone calls and never call me back. Even when i was ran to the ER a couple times he would neither answer his phone or call back. I gave up.
Then it happened. I was about 7 months along and he came back saying he wanted to keep her and have a family. As much as I hate to say it I couldn't believe him. Through this process he had walked out too many time, I had had my heart broken over and over again. I was afraid. I told him I needed proof of a change and I still received nothing. He eventualy signed the papers and I had my baby alone with only my family and friends as support. I won't go into the details of those last few weeks before I had Sarah but I hit my final breaking point. I knew there was no possible way I could break anymore. I knew I was at bottom and now the only choice I had was to look up and start climbing.
I do not love this man anymore, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some gratitude in my heart for helping god to give me Sarah. Though I was only her mom for a short amount of time I am still her Birth Mom and that means everything to me. He will forever be in my memories and I will never judge him for his choices. i do not know what he was going through emotionaly at the time and I do not know what made him leave but those things I am afraid I will never fully know. I do know however that god and my family are carrying me and my broken pieces and some day I will find the man that knows how to put them back together perfectly.