NEW BLOG PAGE

I have a new blog page :) You all should go follow me on it cause it is the one I will keep upadting. www.theadventurousrose.blogspot.com

So Long, So Much

I apologize. I know I am quite horrible at keeping up on this blogging stuff. But at least I still post something every once in a while right? Well a lot has happened since my last post. I am no longer attending those Birth Mom classes. I found that it just brought up too many feelings that I don't believe need to be brought to the surface constantly. I know what I did was right and I don't need to wallow in the pain and joys of that day. But I was also thinking that I needed to record a little bit of what happened that day. So here it goes.
Sarah was born at 9:11 in the morning on April 6, 2010. She was 7# 19in. long and beautiful. Now this birth did not come easily. I went through 4 seperate inductions in a week and a half. My diligent mother sat every minute with me, held my hand through the contractions and helped get all the garlic crutons and cantalope I could handle. (they were the 2 things i craved the most in the hospital) Kim also came and watched a movie with me in the hospital room and brought me all sorts of good easter candy. Having her there was so special to me cause I know she would have traded me spots in an instant and she did nothing but love me. My sister Collette was on call for when ever i started to really have the baby (she had to be at home with the littles in the mean time) So around 6 am they broke my water and things went fast. I remember saying "I am really having her mom, I am really having her" When Sarah arrived I did not hold her first. They showed me her beautiful face and then took her to Kim, Nick, and Lucy for some bonding time.
During this time when she was with them my support group stepped in. All of my brothers and sisters had pitched in and wrote me letters and got me a great big bag of things to help me start my life over and my sister Collette helped me do my hair a little and put on a little make up for the photo shoot. I was at peace. So then they brought her to me. I couldn't wait to get her in my arms, I cried and just stared at her precious face and wondered how I could have made something so beautiful and precious. Every move she made, every silly face, every cuddle she made into my chest is treasured in my heart. So as the amazing Betina took pictures of this Sarah's family came on in so we could all get pictures together. It was so special to feel that bond between them and Sarah, Sarah and I, and then of all of us together. It felt right, and peaceful, and happy. So as the photo shoot ended they all trickled out and I got to have Sarah for a few more hours. There of course wasn't a second when she wasn't being held or kissed or cuddled. I had only a few hours to be mommy and I wasn't going to waste a minute.
So evening came and it was time to do what I knew and felt was right. So Kim, Nick, and Lucy came into the room and we sat there and just enjoyed each other and talked for a while, I was holding Sarah, then this very strong feeling came into my heart that now was the time. I stood up off my hospital bed and Kim and I cried as we embraced each other and Sarah all at once. There was a bond there that goes beyond words. Its a bond that can only be felt in the heart. Then. . . they took her to their own hospital room. As they left I went and sat on the the couch between my mother and sister and just cried. As I cried i felt this warmth wrap around me and around my heart. I knew that the savior was there holding me together as I was so close to breaking. I simply said "I need my dad" and seconds later he called. He cried with me on the phone and just told me that he loved me and that when I got home he had a great big hug waiting for me. So a little while later I went to bed and slept in a dreamless deep sleep. The next day I left the hospital and 3 days later flew to Az. where I am currently living.
My life has been blessed. My heart aches have been healed by the grace and sacrifice of our savior and my heart and soul is at peace. I will always have a very deep seeded and special love for my birth daughter but that ache no longer resides in my heart. I now go through life counting every blessing, and cherishing every moment. Not wanting to miss a thing. Life is never easy Im afraid but as one of my favorite movies quotes "Well Gram you have gone from a boy who works the fields to a man who owns the fields. And you got to miss all the messy bits" and Gram turns to him and says "Life is the messy bits." And how true that is. Life will always be the "messy bits" but joy can be found in those messy bits. I love my life and everything about it. I love my relationship with Kim and her family, I love my family and dear friends, I love my gospel and all the comfort, love, and joy it brings, and I love who I have become.
I guess I should probably mention my amazing boyfriend too ;) He has been an amazing blessing in my life this last lil' while, and is continuing to be an amazing blessing. He is a worthy priesthood holder who attends the temple regularly and he has a heart of gold, and treats me better than a queen. I am so blessed to have him, he brings me so much happieness. Life just keeps getting better by the day.

Its Been A While

Here I am again. A lot has happened in the last couple of months. Sarah got Sealed to her parents for time and all eternity. This has been such a joy to my heart, granted there is always a little piece of me wishing her here with me but i think thats only human. Life down here in Az has been good to me, very hot, but very good. In the time since I last wrote and now I have had a boyfriend and broke up with him. I don't know if it just cause i wasn't ready or if Heavenly Father was telling me hes not the one but it just didn't work out. I feel badly for this cause he is truly an amazing man, he just deserves something other than me. Something better suited to him.
I have also started going to a Birth Moms group. I am also having mixed feelings about this. I know its good for me but I have found it to be much harder on me than I thought it would be. I think some times Im not just fooling the world but Im fooling me too cause Im afraid to handle what is truly laying in my heart. I don't know for sure but I do know that Heavenly Father knows what I can handle and I just have to be faithful and prayerful to him. He never let me down before, hes not gonna let me down now either. He loves me, and I know that with all my heart.

For Sarah

So this is a poem that was shown to me by an amazing woman named Betina. Betina was one of the big deciding factors in me placing my Sarah, and it didn't come from what she said but her actions. She has 4 amazing miracles in her life and every single one of them she loves with her entire heart. She showed me how amazing and joyous and hard and beautiful an adoption can be. Her along with many other woman that were there for me through out my decision process will always be my heros. I can never show enough gratitude for their love and support. I love you all.

Two Different Kinds of Love

Once there were two women,
who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
the other you call Mother.
Two different lives
shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star,
the other became your sun.
The first gave you life,
the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love,
the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality,
the other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,
the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions,
the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
the other dried your tears.
One gave you up.
It was all she could do.
The other prayed for a child,
and God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me through your tears,
the age-old question through the years:
Heredity or Environment -
which are you the product of?
Neither my darling, neither,
just two different kinds of love

Him...

So I can't lie I have been avoiding the subject of writing about Sarah's birth father. I am not going to reveal his name but I will simply refer to him as Him. I am also not going to go into great detail about our history because it personally something I am still trying to come to terms with and handle. I will say that If there is one thing I never lacked it was love for him. He was my best friend and the only man I ever gave myself to...
Him and I met in 8th grade. We built an instant friendship and dated a lot off and on for 4 years. People were always telling me rumors about him. They would tell me he was cheating on me or that he was partying or that he was doing drugs... but I never believed them. Around me he I know now that he pretended to be what I wanted him to be. He knew me, he knew my weaknesses and my strengths. He knew that because of my love for him I would do anything for him.
I remember when I told him I was pregnant we were in my car and I remember being surprised at his reaction because he told me he was "kind of happy" He talked about being with me forever and that now nothing could get between him and his family (me and Sarah) but I see now that it was all a show. The proof of things that he was doing began coming out, and him and I began to argue a lot. One day I pushed him too far and he called everything off. The wedding, the relationship... everything. I was devastated. I hit a deep depression almost instantly and I knew I needed to take a break and get my head back together, so I left to go visit my sister in Washington.
When I arrived at her home I was dark, dramatic, and hurt. I found out though that up there I could graduate early and not have to deal with the online classes that I was at the time failing. So I stayed. My sister took me in and just loved me, she never tried to force me one way or another she just loved me. I remember after one night of having yet another fight on the phone with Him I couldn't stand being alone anymore. I went to my sisters room and she came out into the living room and sat on the couch with me and just held me as cried. I didn't know what to do. He wasn't staying around and I didn't want my precious baby to have to grow up with only know 1 parent who worked 40 hours a week and was too tired to ever do anything with her.
So. at Thanksgiving 2009 Him and I decided together that we were going to place her for adoption. After that decision I didn't hear from him for weeks. I fought (and still fight) with feelings of how he could just abandon us. I tried to involve him with what was happening at the doctor appointments and I asked Him to review profiles of people I thought might be good for our little girl but it was of no good. He would ignore my phone calls and never call me back. Even when i was ran to the ER a couple times he would neither answer his phone or call back. I gave up.
Then it happened. I was about 7 months along and he came back saying he wanted to keep her and have a family. As much as I hate to say it I couldn't believe him. Through this process he had walked out too many time, I had had my heart broken over and over again. I was afraid. I told him I needed proof of a change and I still received nothing. He eventualy signed the papers and I had my baby alone with only my family and friends as support. I won't go into the details of those last few weeks before I had Sarah but I hit my final breaking point. I knew there was no possible way I could break anymore. I knew I was at bottom and now the only choice I had was to look up and start climbing.
I do not love this man anymore, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some gratitude in my heart for helping god to give me Sarah. Though I was only her mom for a short amount of time I am still her Birth Mom and that means everything to me. He will forever be in my memories and I will never judge him for his choices. i do not know what he was going through emotionaly at the time and I do not know what made him leave but those things I am afraid I will never fully know. I do know however that god and my family are carrying me and my broken pieces and some day I will find the man that knows how to put them back together perfectly.

My Body, My New Spot In Life

SO like all women who have children I am constantly worrying about my weight and appearance. Do these jeans make me look fat? are they too tight? is this shirt to tight? does it compliment the wrong areas? you know that kind of thing, and having to watch my weight is a new concept for me. I have been blessed with always being very small, so now that my body has broadened I am not used to my new body yet. Now I don't want there to be any confusion. I know I am not fat. I am simply stating that I am not sure how to get comfortable with my body. lol Now I know I could be jumping the gun on this because I am only a month and few days out from just having a baby and my mom is always telling me to give myself a break (I love her) but still the concern is there lol. Oh well "sae la vee" (or how ever you spell that haha)

Mothers Day

Well last Sunday was mothers day... i knew that day was coming and that it was going to be hard, and beautiful all at the same time. The morning started out beautiful, dad made a beautiful breakfast for mom and i and to my surprise there weren't only gifts for mom, there was a gift for me too. Mom and dad bought me a nice rug and towels for when i do a foot zone. (its the career i am going into i will write about it later) I have trouble explaining my feelings of that day. Hence the reason why i have waited so long to write about it. But here i go. I am going to give it a shot.

When I woke that morning Sarah had been in my dreams all night. They were pleasant dreams but I woke aching to hold her. I then tried to turn my thoughts to my own amazing mom. My mom is the mother to 11 children, me being the youngest. She is an incredible woman. When I compare Christ like characteristics they all fit her. Charitable, loving, full of light, forgiving and oh so many more. So I got ready for the day and headed to church, knowing full well that all of that days talks were going to be on motherhood.  

I have become good at hiding my emotions, but that day it was harder than ever. I cried when mothers spoke of loving their daughters unconditionally, and when the daughters spoke of their mothers.  But there was a feeling I kept feeling that surprised me. Even though I ached horribly for my Sarah, to hold her, love her, care for her and do all the things a mother does I was happy. I still didn't regret my decision of placing her with Kim and Nick, I still knew in my heart that Sarah belonged to them and I was simply Heavenly Fathers tool to helping them get their daughter. And then I kept thinking of how blessed I was to get to be Sarah's birth mom. I knew from the day I found out that I was pregnant that she was a special spirit and that heavenly father was sending her here on a very special mission. I get to be a part of that mission. Because of that precious little soul I am who I am today. I  have learned the true meaning of the atonement and of the sacrifice Christ made for me. I built a testimony of love and most of all of sacrifice. 

I have always wanted to be a mom. Even when I was a little girl, I would play mommy with my dolls and be mommy to my nephews and nieces. And ever since I became strong enough I was holding any baby I could get my hands on and would babysit every chance I had.  I am also an aunt to 29 children and in a special kind of way I feel like a mom to them. To be a mom is a very powerful feeling in my soul. I know with all my heart I was born to be one, even my patriarical blessing tells me I will be a mother in Israel... but there are other things my heart can't deny, and my heart couldn't deny the fact that my little Sarah had a bigger purpose in life, and part of that purpose was to be a part of Kim and Nicks beloved family.

I know this all probably sounds all mixed up and confusing but I have tried to explain my heart the best I can, I have never been great with words but if there is one thing you take away from reading this it's that I love my Sarah, I love her family, I love my savior, my mother father and family. And one day I will get to be a mother to my own children and when that day comes they will know what unconditional love feels like their entire lives. Just to top everything off I have a quote I fell in love with and this is what it is, "The heart has reason that even reason does not understand." And with that all I have to say is Happy Mothers day to all you moms, including you special Birth Moms.

Rosa