So Long, So Much

I apologize. I know I am quite horrible at keeping up on this blogging stuff. But at least I still post something every once in a while right? Well a lot has happened since my last post. I am no longer attending those Birth Mom classes. I found that it just brought up too many feelings that I don't believe need to be brought to the surface constantly. I know what I did was right and I don't need to wallow in the pain and joys of that day. But I was also thinking that I needed to record a little bit of what happened that day. So here it goes.
Sarah was born at 9:11 in the morning on April 6, 2010. She was 7# 19in. long and beautiful. Now this birth did not come easily. I went through 4 seperate inductions in a week and a half. My diligent mother sat every minute with me, held my hand through the contractions and helped get all the garlic crutons and cantalope I could handle. (they were the 2 things i craved the most in the hospital) Kim also came and watched a movie with me in the hospital room and brought me all sorts of good easter candy. Having her there was so special to me cause I know she would have traded me spots in an instant and she did nothing but love me. My sister Collette was on call for when ever i started to really have the baby (she had to be at home with the littles in the mean time) So around 6 am they broke my water and things went fast. I remember saying "I am really having her mom, I am really having her" When Sarah arrived I did not hold her first. They showed me her beautiful face and then took her to Kim, Nick, and Lucy for some bonding time.
During this time when she was with them my support group stepped in. All of my brothers and sisters had pitched in and wrote me letters and got me a great big bag of things to help me start my life over and my sister Collette helped me do my hair a little and put on a little make up for the photo shoot. I was at peace. So then they brought her to me. I couldn't wait to get her in my arms, I cried and just stared at her precious face and wondered how I could have made something so beautiful and precious. Every move she made, every silly face, every cuddle she made into my chest is treasured in my heart. So as the amazing Betina took pictures of this Sarah's family came on in so we could all get pictures together. It was so special to feel that bond between them and Sarah, Sarah and I, and then of all of us together. It felt right, and peaceful, and happy. So as the photo shoot ended they all trickled out and I got to have Sarah for a few more hours. There of course wasn't a second when she wasn't being held or kissed or cuddled. I had only a few hours to be mommy and I wasn't going to waste a minute.
So evening came and it was time to do what I knew and felt was right. So Kim, Nick, and Lucy came into the room and we sat there and just enjoyed each other and talked for a while, I was holding Sarah, then this very strong feeling came into my heart that now was the time. I stood up off my hospital bed and Kim and I cried as we embraced each other and Sarah all at once. There was a bond there that goes beyond words. Its a bond that can only be felt in the heart. Then. . . they took her to their own hospital room. As they left I went and sat on the the couch between my mother and sister and just cried. As I cried i felt this warmth wrap around me and around my heart. I knew that the savior was there holding me together as I was so close to breaking. I simply said "I need my dad" and seconds later he called. He cried with me on the phone and just told me that he loved me and that when I got home he had a great big hug waiting for me. So a little while later I went to bed and slept in a dreamless deep sleep. The next day I left the hospital and 3 days later flew to Az. where I am currently living.
My life has been blessed. My heart aches have been healed by the grace and sacrifice of our savior and my heart and soul is at peace. I will always have a very deep seeded and special love for my birth daughter but that ache no longer resides in my heart. I now go through life counting every blessing, and cherishing every moment. Not wanting to miss a thing. Life is never easy Im afraid but as one of my favorite movies quotes "Well Gram you have gone from a boy who works the fields to a man who owns the fields. And you got to miss all the messy bits" and Gram turns to him and says "Life is the messy bits." And how true that is. Life will always be the "messy bits" but joy can be found in those messy bits. I love my life and everything about it. I love my relationship with Kim and her family, I love my family and dear friends, I love my gospel and all the comfort, love, and joy it brings, and I love who I have become.
I guess I should probably mention my amazing boyfriend too ;) He has been an amazing blessing in my life this last lil' while, and is continuing to be an amazing blessing. He is a worthy priesthood holder who attends the temple regularly and he has a heart of gold, and treats me better than a queen. I am so blessed to have him, he brings me so much happieness. Life just keeps getting better by the day.